Ain't No Sunshine When You're Not Here
by greeneyesandgoldenlashes
Summary: A quick look into what was going through Red's mind as he deals with what has happened to Lizzie. One shot. spoilers for 3x18.
He was totally unaware of any other movement. Sirens were squealing, piercing through the quiet afternoon, the FBI crawling all over the scene. Inside the van however, the total lack of noise echoed louder than any explosion ever could. The silence was deafening, the only sounds coming from his ragged, heaving breaths. He never wanted to move from her side.

She was so still… she could have been sleeping. She _was_ sleeping, until a few moments ago. He couldn't believe it, how everything had gone so terribly _terribly_ wrong in the span of a few seconds. Swallowing the stinging lump in his throat that threatened to burst forth, he gently grasped her hand, so much smaller than his, so soft. She was still warm to touch, and he savoured it; basked in what remained of her goodness. He leaned forward, desperation to be as close to her as possible oozing from every fibre of his being. _This could not be real._ Her small hand upon his face, a burst of sunlight that made him feel new again. And she was his burst of sunlight – her intensity, love and passion: he was addicted to her, and was constantly seeking out her warmth.

 _Please Lizzie, don't go._

He turned his cheek into her palm, placing the gentlest of kisses there, clutching at it with both of his, willing the life back into them. If anything, it might stop his from shaking. He couldn't seem to stop himself from kissing her after that. The desperate need to be tender and affectionate after such a fractured period in their relationship became overwhelming. Both his larger hands now dwarfing hers, their fingers intertwined and fitting so naturally.

"I'm so sorry Lizzie" He whispered, "my love... I'm so dreadfully sorry". Nuzzling her hands over and over again, internally pleading with whoever was listening that she would actually be ok. He wanted to cry out in rage and uncontrollable despair, how unbelievably unfair it was that _she_ was the one to go and not him. This creature who had done nothing wrong, only to exist in a world full of danger. Ultimately, being connected to him had brought this upon her and the gut-wrenching guilt threatened to swallow him whole.

"Sweetheart, my darling please… don't leave me Lizzie". Still no response. "Elizabeth, you are everything to me. I positively adore you and I cannot apologise enough for failing so miserably to protect you. God, Lizzie this can't be real please…" At this, Red couldn't keep the sobs in, turning aside to try and breathe it out, all the while still holding onto her. Quiet but deep sobbing breaths could be heard echoing in the van. "There is nothing in this world worse than losing you".

He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there with her, he truly didn't care. This was their time and he was going to squeeze out every precious second he could, murmuring words of affection as he kissed and caressed her, "my love…my light… darling Lizzie".

The light streaming in from outside didn't even register, neither did the voice of Kate, urging him to leave. "You need to leave Raymond. The police are here". He couldn't go. He couldn't leave her behind, he was supposed to protect her, to love her. "Raymond…". Reluctantly he pulled her hand from his face. He couldn't stop his shaking breaths, as he held her hand to his lips one final time, the emotion of pulling himself away branded across his features. Placing final kisses upon her knuckles and resting it at her side he pulled himself up so they were face to face, leaving the most tender and intimate of kisses upon her brow, another at her eyelid, lingering for as long as he dared. All the while, stroking her hair, soothing away any of the heartache and pain she might have felt before. Kissing her like this, he cherished the way her skin felt against his lips, so soft and receptive. If only to have experienced this with her in life. The pain suddenly became so real, the roaring ache surging through his body as he realised this was it. This is his goodbye. With his lips gently peppering her eyelid and brow with kisses, the tears could not be stopped. Squeezing his eyes tight as he wept, leaning his cheek against hers, the tears unrestricted fell upon her face.

"I love you too Lizzie, so much. If only I'd had the courage to tell you, to show you. I love you sweetheart".

Shuffling in the background brought him back to reality, and he knew… he knew his time was up. Giving her one more kiss, his nose nuzzling at her cheek, and a final stroke of her hair, memorising her sweet smell for the last time, he stood away. Placing the hand that he had been clutching upon her still swollen belly, he shuffled out of the van.

If the van was silent, the outdoors was the total opposite. A loud roar was rushing through his mind, he could feel his heart thumping at every pulse point and he had an overwhelming urge to vomit. He didn't notice anyone, not even Ressler, gently guiding him to the car. His knees buckled underneath him but Dembe was there to catch him. Red felt like he'd aged fifty years in the space of five minutes and yet… he didn't care. He didn't care how old he was or would become now that she was gone. He had failed her.

At a party only a few years earlier, Red had taken her into his arms, dancing his way through a crowd, relishing in the feel of her body against his. He had promised her that night that he wouldn't let anything happen to her. That she could trust him and he would always be there for her. How wrong he was… She was gone. Once again plunged into the darkness with no way out. Oh how he hated the dark…

 _Please don't go Lizzie. Don't leave me._

As Kate watched the car drive away, she turned back to the gurney and the body. So peaceful in sleep. Kate had never seen her employer so shocked, so greatly affected by someone. As she began to prepare for Liz's removal, she couldn't help but reach out and hold her hand, so neatly placed upon her stomach, shimmering in the late afternoon light, his tears still soaked upon her skin.


End file.
